The Ringing!! The Cursed Ringing....

Sometimes it isn’t good to get what you want. I had joked the other day with a couple of the visiting Facilities Management guys whether they were having another mid-winter fire drill. They assured me that they weren’t and that they were on campus to perform other tasks. On a whim I printed off a copy of a previous blog (http://tripester.blogspot.com/2005/11/most-alarming-behaviour-i-have-ever.html) regarding fire drills on campus and gave it to them for a chuckle. One of the premises of the story was the horror of evacuating the building without any proper clothing to protect me from the bitter cold.
Today, one of them returned to our campus. He was having coffee and as I walked by he winked and said “You better keep your coat with you.” I returned to my office and when I left on another errand I had donned my boots, coat, touque, and gloves. As I wandered about the building performing my tasks I did receive a few odd glances. Thankfully no one asked me any questions even though that may be a testament to what they have come to expect from me. Even if they were quietly laughing at me it was I that would have the last laugh. I knew something that they did not. I smirked silently to myself. This is what it feels to be in on the inside - to be in the know. I was a seer - peering into the future and I reveled as I bathed in that wisdom.
Only….
The alarm didn’t go off. Was the fact that I was anticipating the event messing with time - the “old watching a kettle boil thing?” I started to get a little uncomfortable particularly as I was all bundled up and my inner core was reaching 105 degrees. Good grief… He’s messing with me. There isn’t going to be a drill!! The fiend!! The cruel fiend!! Panic started to set in. If I went and disrobed the alarm could go off or if I didn’t I would be bundled up all day with the certainly of organ failure at some point. Ahhhhkkkk!!!! I was better off being ignorant of what was to come. I am in a trap of my own making forged from my own incessant whining!!
I know that my brain chemistry has endowed me with some built in phobias. Over the years, I have identified claustrophobia (please give me some room), arachnophobia (particularly the likewise titled movie), and triskadekaphobia. (It’s a numbers thing). Anyway, I am always bemused when I discover a new one. All of a sudden, as I was walking down the halls, all I could see were bells - big red fire bells. Anywhere I turned a bell was looking back at me. They were silent but they all seemed to be throbbing. I have bellophobia!! I fled to the washroom but realized I couldn’t stay there forever without causing some other difficulties in these sex-offender-aware days. If only I could get to my office. I peeked down the hall to discover that the bell directly outside my office appeared to be the biggest, nastiest bell of them all. At this point my panic is uncontrollable. If I make refuge in the far reaches of my office, and the alarm sounds I will only suffer a mild infarction. However, should I be stationed directly beneath the mother-of-all-bells when it begins to sound, I am convinced that the coronary will be massive and my death face will exhibit sheer terror. I dash my ligyrophobic butt to my door. Just as in the movies, I drop my keys on the floor, I retrieve them and try again but my hands are shaking. My breathing is rapid and shallow. What is that tightness in my chest? Finally, the door opens and I am sprinting to the back of the room. No alarm has come. Will it ever come? I pace back and forth, back and forth. I try sitting and rocking holding my hands over my ears. "Go to your happy place" I chant. Still no bell. Finally, I gain a little solace by curling up under my desk in a fetal position singing (shouting) Silent Night.
When the alarm finally comes, I am calm but spent. I pour myself into the halls bleating weakly with my other compatriots and I am whisked with the rest of the flock into the cool outdoors. I have been to hell and back and never want to go back!
Knowledge of the future is a curse and should only be a gift for the gods and not mere mortals such as I. Should anyone from Facilities Management ever read these words. NEVER, EVER LET ME KNOW THAT WE ARE HAVING A FIRE DRILL. Please!!!