Sense and Sensitivity

In making an assessment of the insensitivities of a man in dealing with the fairer sex, it is possible to interpret that measure in two different ways. Firstly, and I deem this to be rare (if not impossible), is that the man is totally cognizant of social moors and behaves boorish anyway. In defending my sex, I postulate the second case to be more prevalent. It is a case where the man’s awareness of the situation is non-existent and the nuances of social graces are beyond his grasp. The former exhibits a flawed character and is far more serious than the latter. As men we wish this trait to be viewed as comically charming and most importantly, forgivable. Happily, from a woman’s perspective, the latter trait can be mollified and controlled by a good husband-whisperer.
My life partner and I car-pooled to work and I kept the car. When I entered my office I noted that the red message light on my phone was flashing feverously. I dialed the access code and was informed that I had three messages waiting. So many calls at the start of a shift sent my college computer tech reflexes aquiver. I immediately assumed that trouble was brewing and I readied myself for action. However, the first message was from my beloved. Her panicked voice immediately brought forth my defensive instincts. “Call me” she pleaded.
What has caused her such alarm!! Dread and anger welled up inside of me. Before I could respond the second message started to play. “Where are you, your cell phone isn’t on, please call me!!” her voice commanded. The desperateness in her voice spewed another gallon of ‘fight or flight’ hormones into my bloodstream. The third message wailed “Why won’t you call me!! Did I leave my purse in the car? Can you check? Can you hide it in the trunk if it is there?”
“Oh brother” I muttered to myself. “Is that all? Take some valium!” I went out to the vehicle, located the purse and ensconced it out of view. I went back to my office and e-mailed her that her purse was out of sight, in a locked car, sitting in a parking lot with full video surveillance.
A half hour later I received a call on my now powered up cell phone. “Where have you been?” the shrillness of her voice now dumped ‘Good Grief’ hormones into my body causing me smirk wryly and lift my eyes to the ceiling.
I will protect the reader from vicarious hormone dumps that the sound of a woman in peril can bring by describing only one side of the conversation. “Yes dear…… I e-mailed you…….. It is very safe ………I know ….. Don’t worry…….Calm down …… Don’t freak out……. I will bring it to you at lunch”
“Ah” I think “Men are soooo much more in control”
I arrived at Wendy’s for our luncheon. As I left the car I threw the purse strap over my shoulder and ambled towards the entrance. The female half of an older couple leaving the restaurant simultaneously gave her husband an elbow shot to the ribs and a head nod towards me. She then started bobbing her arm up and down with an obvious limp wrist action. Although, I like to think that I am secure in my manhood I removed the strap from my shoulder and now clutched the purse in as rough and as masculine a manner as I can manage.
I am first to have arrived and got in line to order our meal. The lineup was slow and I nervously derailed strange looks by quipping that I am a purse snatcher and laughing. This just made me feel more awkward so I lowered my head to avoid eye contact and stared at the purse which I am cradling in front of me with both hands. It is at this point that the fog of male insensitivity began to clear from my head. I saw her cell phone poking up from its little nook. Her keys to her office peer from another. I know her electronic daytimer is also nestled inside amongst a plethora of personal care items. Her wallet with all her credit cards, all her discount cards! “Oh my gosh” I exclaimed as it all comes into focus. “Her entire life is in this bag!” I am immediately reminded that these small vessels carry almost the entire contents of a pharmacy and a hardware store as well. Many a man has been in awe as a woman’s desperate search for some item has necessitated the emptying of a purse. So much from so little! The volume of objects drawn forth defies physics. There is magic afoot. Then the stellar realization struck my testosterone impaired brain. The welfare of western civilization relies on the purses of the nations. I hold the small handbag tighter.
I am well buried in the lineup when the love of my life arrives. Although she was smiling and she was trying to look as composed as possible, she crashed through the lineup of people brush like a mother bear getting to her cub. There was a slight tug-o-war before I relent and released my hold. The haunted strain that betrayed her fright evaporated from her eyes and an aura of calm encircled her visage.
“Can you order a BLT salad for me, dear? She asks sweetly, “I will find a table for us.” Things are back to normal and we are safe.